Junie's Online Thoughts
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Good god, Im tired! I met up with one of my best friends, Angie, to help her and her husband and daughter move to their newly purchased house in Minneapolis. Its a very exciting thing and I was glad to help. The day was hard though, and we all earned our keep today carrying boxes and rearranging furniture. It was so good to see her after so long, and catch up with Jay and Haley too. Then we went on a wild goose chase to find a basket ball net with a back board and mounting clamps, which took us to Target, Sports Dome, Walmart, Fleet Farm and Target again. By then we were about to scream, and I needed to get out of the uber-bright HUGE stores with so much stuff it hurt my eyes. Havent been in those stores yet and I wasnt ready to look at everything and shake my head. I did, however, buy the newest Entertainment Weekly (I think that was it...maybe it was Us) with Johnny Depp on the cover looking all rugged and pretty. I was weakened by weariness. I shouldnt have parted with that $3.50 so easily, but oh well. I also bought some mice for Squeak (which he will instantly push under the sofa anyway.)
Had a great talk with Trish, read an interesting zine, read the wonderful statement by Kennedy about how the war in Iraq is a total sham, and now am about to crash into bed. Let's see...I must have some observations. I still have the urge to put the used toilet paper in a bin rather than down the toilet (in most public toilets...not the one we have at home but other ones...the pipes are too small to accomodate toilet paper. So you do your business and then put the paper in a covered bin nearby to be burned or discarded later. Its a weird habit that took some getting used to, but I find myself looking around for the bin.) I still look for street vendors and find none. I still wait for the cold to stop hurting. I miss the ease of public transport and the noise and immediacy of Accra. Here it seems so quiet and guarded and distinctly "Mine." Otherwise, brain is shutting off. Goodnight y'all.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Im freezing my fool butt off, but life is soooo much better. Squeak warmed up to me this morning and we're good. Then, after working out, I watched the first tape of American Idol. Thank you Randall, because you totally gave me what I needed. I havent laughed so hard in such a long, long time. I truly enjoyed the freak parade and made it all the way, like a junkie, through the entire first tape. The auditions are done and they're on to Hollywood with what, 300 people? It seemed like there were a lot that made it through. But the weirdos always make the show great, even when they are cruel in making fun of them. Then I found the boxes Jeremy had left here in June, and it was like CHristmas!! I had already forgotten what he brought with him, clothes I didnt remember us having and all the gifts he send home early. That was fun!! If only I could find the photos.......
Wow. Most of yesterday was a trying day. I worried that the hurricane would affect my flight and mine would be one of the 900 flights cancelled. Thankfully, it wasnt, although we were delayed an hour for a late incoming plane. I finished packing, then Kim took me to the airport.
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyrrriiiiissssttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a pain in my ass that was! I tried to use the outside check-in, but my bags were too heavy. While we were gone, they changed all the rules in the airport. I explained that I had just come back from Ghana, and the guy seemed sympathetic. But I had to go inside and argue on how much to pay for my overweight bags. There were no lines and I arrived at the counter to a lady with the freakiest contacts Ive ever seen. Was she a werewolf? I couldnt tell. The Africa spiel didnt work on her, and since I was severely overweight (they changed the weight allowance to only 50 pounds per bag as of December 2002, and my bags were 83 pounds and 88 pounds) I had to pay for both of them. It actually would have been cheaper for me to unpack my crap into a third bag and just pay for that. But no one told me and I didnt have a third bag big enough to fit 65 pounds. I wasnt so bitter at paying, since I was quite overweight in baggage when I left Ghana and should have had to pay a bunch there. What did piss me off was the bullshit that followed.
She couldnt take my bags at the ticket counter, so I had to sling my purse over my shoulder, lean my huge cumbersome carryons on top of one giant suitcase and roll the other suitcase with the other hand. Around the fencing and through a walkway, I had to give my bags to a bunch of guys to run them through the gigantic X-ray machine. As I waited by the end table, I watched them pull both my bags off and bring them over to where I stood. "Unlock these, please." They began tossing out my stuff, digging around for God knows what. The first guy says, "You gotta a genie in a bottle in here?" I didnt know what the heck he was talking about, so I just shrugged and explained I had been in Ghana for a year and had lots of gifts. He didnt seem at all phased by the near-weapons I had (cant go into detail, as they are gifts for my family and I dont want to ruin the surprise), but the second guy seemed very suspicious of this little wooden woman's head and swiped it with the white rag to check for what? drugs? explosives? Who knows? The first guy finally found what he was looking for--a liquor bottle I'd bought my friend as a gift, which indeed is shaped like a genie bottle. It too got a swipe with the white rag which just annoyed me. Am I going to hurt the plane with a bottle of liquor? Good God, what is going on here?
THey told me I was finished, so I walked to the bathroom, then toward the Xray machine for me. Two steps later, one of the guys from the first Xray asked, "Are you on Northwest?" Yup. He had been looking for me because one of my near-weapon gifts had fallen out of my bag and they needed me to identify my luggage so they could put it back in. (I certainly couldnt carry this thing as a carry-on.) I walked all the way back to find the first guy had already found my bags and presumably slid it in the front zippered pouch (or gave it to someone else.)
Take two. Walked back to the other Xray machine. Didnt have to take off my shoes, or get a body cavity search but boy oh boy things are STRICT. It was harder to get through Hartsfield than any other part of the trip from Africa or Europe. And it wasnt just strictness but it felt like hassle the way the others didnt. Grrrr.......... Hopped on the train, sat by my gate and waited for the plane, which grew later and later and later. Had no phone card to call Trish, so I just read the Esquire magazine I'd bought and tried to settle down from all the annoyance I felt so far.
We left over an hour late, then had to completely reroute ourselves to avoid the hurricane. This added more time and a one hour flight soon turned into a three and a half hour flight. I didnt mind as long as we didnt die.
Flight was smooth except for one session of hard core turbulence. I was in the bathroom at the time, watching the paper dispensers fly open, hearing the carts outside the door slam together and all the loose items fall to the floor. The attendents had to stop service and sit down themselves. As I made my way down the aisle, my stomach felt like I was on a rollercoaster. After that, the bubble passed and we landed without any drama.
By the time I found my bags, met up with Trish and quickly walked through the supermarket, it was after 11 pm. The Guerrilla Girls had been speaking at the Walker that night and Trish had hoped to take me there. It was not to be, (sigh) so instead I just crashed at her house (which looks so great from all the remodeling she's done.)
Just when I thought my tired, tired brain couldnt take anything more, then there was Squeak. It hurt me to see him. All that guilt came flooding back. I'd deserted my baby (he's our cat, in case you didnt know). I had been worried for weeks that he had forgotten me or wouldnt forgive me for my failures as a parent. At first he kept his distance. Couldnt touch him despite all my familiar coos and calls. He's grown thick and his coat is extra shiny, with a really intense stare in his eyes. Trish has done such a fabulous job taking care of him....she's just the right kind of giving attention/letting him do his own thing that he needs. (Thanks Trish!) But he's still my baby.
I came upstairs to the bedroom and found my beloved teddy bear, Gus, which I hugged and kissed. (I missed that be-og, he's a bear dog.) I couldnt help but feel jealous that maybe I'd been replaced in Squeak's mind, that I was only fucking with him since I would be leaving again in less than a week, that he didnt want to see me. Since I couldnt smother him with kisses, I slipped my hand under the bedspread and we played the bite-my-hand-while-i-wiggle-it-under-the-covers game and he bit me really hard. Dont blame him. I deserved that one. Squeak hopped down and left, I laid on the sheets, hugged Gus and cried and cried. At that point, I felt soooo overwhelmed. I hadnt even really gotten a handle on Atlanta and now I was in Minnesota, which seemed foreign and unfamiliar, yet more familiar at the same time and it totally messed me up. I felt sad about Squeak, that things would be different now. I missed Jeremy. I was excited to see people both here and in Wisconsin, but time is so short that as soon as I see someone, Im off again. I felt so worn thin and tired from the jet lag and constant bouncing. Dont get me wrong, its a good thing to be back and I love seeing everyone, but its just so fast. Im having to cope so quickly and the swirl is starting to overtake me. I was expecting to have a difficult time with the media, with American culture, with feeling isolated from my loved ones. Instead I feel isolated from myself and dont know how Im supposed to be feeling or what I should be saying among all the changes and non-changes. Who am I now? What happens from here?
Minutes later, Squeak rejoined me in the bedroom and hopped next to me. Ten months disappeared and he plopped himself in the crook of my arm, started to purr, like we've done since I got him over 5 years ago. He let me pet him and kiss him and whisper all my "Im sorry"s and "I love you"s while the water works started again. Previously, he would lick the flabby part of my upper arm like he was nursing, until it was red and sore. This time, I only got two licks, but it was enough for him to tell me that I was still Mom. It broke my heart and redeemed me at the same time. (What will I be like as a parent of an actual kid, I wonder?) Thankfully, he stayed for a while and that helped A LOT.
I was a smart girl and I didnt plan anything this morning. Squeak visited me after my alarm went off. He stayed in my arms for over twenty minutes (something he wouldnt have done before...it was more like five or ten before he'd get bored and find something else to do), purring the whole time, shedding like a donkey. He sounds the same, likes to be rubbed in the same spots, still gets restless and chirpy, still gets the gleam in his eye that I should be chasing him while shrieking and twirling my sports bra in my hand (but I think its too soon to resume that---it would only freak him out at this point.) I love that cat. I blocked him out a lot while I was gone, but damn, I missed him. I love having him around and just that cat energy is comforting and satisfying.
Im about to exercise to expel some of this extra stuff trapped inside my gut. Then I start the phone calls. So be patient with me folks. Im having a tough go of it, not because I dread being back or that Im not happy to see you. Its just really difficult being gone so long and feeling like I've been transformed, then battling with the fact that while I've completely changed, Ive stayed exactly the same. Its a weird paradox and I have no former experience of what this feels like in my head and in my heart. So please dont take it personally when I write that Im freaked out. My friends and family are going to be the ones to chill me. Im just feeling a little bit fragile. Bear with me.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Another day in the U.S.A. What a trip. Talked to Jeremy briefly this morning (Hi Honey!), then met Randall for breakfast. (Thanks, Randall!) Walked to the Avondale post office. Im expecting an important package that just wont come and it still wasnt there. It must be telling though, that I get a lot of mail. The guy at the desk totally recognized my name. Heh. He said if the package was too big they would leave a note, but I really hoped I would get it before I left. My friend Davida writes a great zine called Xerography Debt, that reviews other zines. She offered to let me be a reviewer for the next one, so she sent me a package with the zines I needed to read and critique. But its not here.....and now Im fretting that it's lost in mailland and I wont get it before the October 1st deadline. That makes me anxious....and I hope it comes in tomorrow.
Tonight I leave for MN. I finally cleaned and sorted my suitcases and that felt really good. Since Ive been back, Ive been soooo disorganized. I cant find anything and continually lose whatever I had in my hand a second ago. When looking for gifts, I end up tossing everything from pile to pile, further messing up the stuff. NOw Ive got separate clothes piles, MN gifts versus WI gifts versus miscellaneous, papers and whatnot. I know where everything is and it feels fine.
I bought a newspaper yesterday. So much reporting on deaths and crime. Nothing happy happening in Atlanta apparently. Even the comics werent funny.
Havent yet watched TV. That will be a trip, although Randall taped the entire season of American Idol for me (on eight video tapes) and Im excited to watch them in WI in between my sister's wedding preparations and visiting folks. So nobody tell me what happens or who won. I want to find out for myself.
Well, not too much today in terms of culture shock. Just feeling tired as all get-out and eager to move on to MN. Squeak baby is there and I need to find out if he remembers his mama or if I've been permanently shunned. Many thanks to Trish for picking me up tonight and hosting me. You're great! See y'all soon.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Forgive me. For the next few weeks, as I readjust, Im going to be deep in compare and contrast. Its probably not that nice to constantly say, "Ghana is like this.....Why is Atlanta like this?" but its got to happen until my head switches back.
First up: public transport. Gosh, transport here SUCKS! Ive been lucky enough to have friends who can give me rides, but today I thought I would try to either walk or bus it from the travel agency back to Kim's house. In Accra, every few steps, pretty much anywhere in the city, I can find either a taxi or trotro headed anywhere. There are designated busstops, but if the vehicle needs passengers, they will pick you up anywhere on the street. In Atlanta however, bus stops are few and very far between with no real description of where the bus goes. In fact, as I walked from Emory to Clairmont, only one bus passed me. As I walked down Clairmont to Decatur to Noodle, not a single bus passed me. How do people get around in this city if they dont have a car and dont want to go along the MARTA line?? Anyway, it was hot today, and I sure missed those pure water girls selling cold bags of water off their heads, but the distance was fine. Made me feel like I was still in Ghana, trudging up the street with groceries, running errands or just walking around.
Stopped by Noodle to request time on the schedule and caught up with one fellow server (now manager) and two cooks. One of the cooks, I forget his name but he's from Laos, looked at me and said, "Where is all of your fat?" Um, hello to you too!! I suppose thats a nice thing to say, but I wouldnt have really described myself as "fat" before, persay. Oh well, whatever. Walked home and just changed my pants when Kim arrived.
I miss the noise. There are no chickens. No one is offering to sell me purses or computer keyboards or pawpaws or even to fix my shoes. But folks still are friendly. I like that.
Im home, Im home, oooooooooooooooh! Whesh, what a few days! I barely know what day it is and the zoom continues for a while. Let's start at the beginning.
The last day in Ghana was hard. We tried to avoid thinking about it by swimming again at the Shangri=la, but it was difficult. At 1:30 we drove to the Airport to check in. I expected long lines and fighting for my palm oil. Nope. Everything was so easy and took all of ten minutes. We went home after, Jeremy read me the last two chapters of the Winnie the Pooh book (which is still funny to me despite hearing it a zillion times), then we loaded the car and drove in silence back to the airport. There was much wincing. Leaving Jeremy sucked. It was so hard. I love that boy fiercely and kept imagining popping up next to him as he walked back to the parking lot and saying, "Just kidding!" We cried. Blech. I entered the airport. I'd never left Ghana before, and that airport is NICE. Theyre still building, so it was empty. All the better to hide my tears, which were there, but I assumed I would be a heaving ball on the floor. Went to the window overlooking outside and waved goodbye to Jeremy, then turned up the stairs. Immigration was fine, finding the flight was fine, mini bus ride to plane was fine. No trouble with my biggie gifts and carryons. We left on time. Again, I thought I would be bawling, but only juiced up when I wrote about leaving my journal. Despite myself, my head copes even when my hearts far behind.
The first leg was not so nice. I sat in the very last seat and the attendents werent all that friendly, the alcohol didnt flow that much and I couldnt sleep. We landed in Lagos for an hour. When we took off from there to Frankfurt, we finally got fed...at 1 am. Then I couldnt sleep for being too full, overtired and yucked out. Tossed and turned. Tried to veg.
Landed in Germany. Had a six hour layover. Smokers everywhere in the airport. Duty free was weird. Too bright and too many perfumes. Bought wine for Kim. Sat and journaled and watched people by my gate. Entered gate area. Had to leave gate area for ticket check. Boarded plane among a geriatric convention, I think, with my seat the first one in Coach. Ive never been fortunate enough before to sit next to someone nice and interesting and funny until now. Chris, a guy from San Diego who'd been in Germany for a week, was a saving grace. We talked about culture and countries and travel for nearly the whole flight, except for a short catnap and watching two bad movies (Bruce almighty and the Lizzie Mcquire story.) He even took some photos for me out of the plane window because I told him I could email him some of my Ghana photos. Nice guy.
Landed in Atlanta early. Customs took hardly any time. The computers were down so they didnt check anyone. People are so nice here!!!!! Everyone smiles and says hello and is so nice. What happened while I was gone? Did I change or did they??? Anyway, landed in baggage claim nearly two hours earlier than I told Kim, so I called her to pick me up. While waiting outside, people kept talking to me. Why is everyone so nice????? Isnt this big city Atlanta?
Anyway, it was fabulous to see Kim and drive to her place and catch up on gossip. Funny thing was, it felt like I hadnt even been gone. Months disappeared and all this stuff I thought I would be feeling didnt happen. I was excited and happy and having fun without any of the dreck. Was this metamorphosis I thought I had in Ghana merely an illusion? Or will it only surface when I stop bouncing from place to place? It may be just that...when in Ghana, the U.S. seems soo distant and disconnected. The same holds true here, even though I want to fight it...Ghana is hazy and so far away. Did it even happen? Is Jeremy still there? Was I even there????
Hung with Kim. Went to Farmer's Market. Nearly had an episode of ecstasy. So much gleaming perfect produce in one place, and no one seemed to notice the mystery and miracle of this! It was laid out in tidy piles....broccoli! asparagus! My god, huge heads of cauliflower and cabbage and spinach! More than one type of lettuce! Sweet corn! Ooooooo zucchini and eggplants and pretty, pretty mushrooms! And the fruits! My lord! The lemons were actually yellow and lemon shaped! There were honeydews and canteloupe and berries and apples....apples for freaking miles of every color and dewy wet and lovely. And pears. Delightful pears. I had forgotten all about you. Peaches and plums and nectarines. I could not contain myself. I had to touch everything that caught my eye and smell it. Strawberries smell soooooo good!!! Every time I put something in Kim's basket, I think I clutched it like a small child to my breast. There were flowers too....and so much damn stuff. By then I was overstimulated and we went home. Why did I want to hug everyone I saw?
Made Kim and Paul dinner, then gave them gifts. They are so great. Thank you both for all you do for us and for being good friends.
Met up with Leah the next day. She kindly offered to cart my butt around, so we spent the day running errands and catching up and exchanging gifts. You rock too, Leah. Met up with Reimer for dinner and movies and chatting. You also kick holy ass. And thats the thing. This whole time back so far, no matter which friend I talk to, I just remember how good and generous and caring and fun and sweet all of my friends are. I dont appreciate any of you near enough, and that goes for my families too. You folks are my entire support and I am so thankful for you in my life. You help me and make me smile and keep me sane and just are so so so very very very fabulous. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Came home, found out that Kim had a great surprise, called Randall and wrote in my journal. Despite all my fun, I havent had any time to process what the hell is going on. Alarms go off in my head all day. The streets are so clean. Traffic is so quiet and no one honks their horns. I dont have to only use my right hand in social situations. When you turn the left handle of the faucet, real HOT water comes out!!! I dont have to toast my bread on the stove because there are toasters!!! I cant smell anything when Im outside hardly...no sewage, no fish, no fruit, no ocean. There are so many trees here! People are so friendly, even strangers!!! There is an enormous plethora of public bathrooms and every one is well-lit, clean, full of toilet paper and running water and a toilet seat and no one cares if you use it!!! I can walk down the street and people may or may not notice me. No one shouts anything to me or stares. There are a lot of white people here. There is little music in the air and no drumming. I havent had to dodge a car once. The cats are friendly and will let you touch them. You can call a restaurant and they will deliver the food to your door while its still hot! My god.......why isnt everyone shouting for these marvelous things that come so easy??? HOORAY FOR GOOD THINGS!!!!!!
But sleeping was hard....I missed Jeremy and recalled the soothing uber calm days in Accra. I feel like Im a whirlwind, knocking into everyone and only sitting in one place for a little while before twirling twirling somewhere else. Who am I ? What the hell is going on? How do I have so many people who like me so much? Whats up with that???
Today Im meeting Reimer and Chenise (my cool replacement at my former work shit-hole), then checking in at Noodle and buying groceries to cook for Kim and Paul tonight. The next day I have breakfast plans, lunch plans and then Im off to MN. I need to pack today, to sort my bags into some sense. I need to just walk for a bit and chill out. I think my head may explode from change and glee and wonder if I dont.
For now, Im out. But I love you Jeremy, I love you Leah and Reimer and Kim and Paul and Randall and Ginny and Trish and Mike and Chris and Angie and Sue and Marta and Mom and Dad and STacy and Chris and Grandma and Marilyn and Vicki and everyone else I havent named because you are incredible and I appreciate you. Hooray!!!!!!!
