Junie's Online Thoughts
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Life is okay. A funny thing happened to my brain in Ghana. Before I left, I could process each of my realities simoutaneously and separately, and multitask everything. Since Ive been back, I can only handle one place at a time. When Im in MN, the others fade into oblivion. When Im in WI, only WI exists. Same for Atlanta and Ghana. I suppose it makes it easier for me to cope with TODAY. But, boy it's weird. Those efficiency skills I honed to a fine point are just tumbling down the toilet.
Ive been spending a lot of time with my family, which is great. I missed them more than I realized in that ten months. I havent had much of a chance to see my friends, and for that Im sorry. Ive just had too much to do in terms of errands, wedding planning and family seeing. I'll get you next time around.
Jeremy is still in MN with his family. I think they are doing okay too. Some days are fine, and others are very difficult. I dont see that changing anytime soon. Chris left a big hole, and only time and lots of tears can mesh through that empty space.
Anyway, Im not sure when Ill be on blogger again...but wanted to say Im alright.
Monday, October 13, 2003
Literally, it feels like MONTHS have passed since I last blogged. Since life before Wednesday. Its only been five days, but I think everyone around here has aged five years.
Again, I have to thank everyone for sending messages of support. I am so fortunate to be flailing under an avalanche of love, and that certainly helps when wading through the murky waters of the death of a loved one.
My tongue is not as free as usual, and Im quite hesitant to write more than the briefest of events here. It all feels too personal and raw and exposed. And Im still processing how I feel, how I want to present my own grieving, how and if I can share my coping-writing. I normally cannot control my compulsion to share, but this time my heart weighs too heavy to allow my fingers to type loosely through my days.
The Sunday memorial service was fine and necessary. I think there is something ultimately healing about bringing your burden of grief into a public space and letting it go. There is something about hearing stories of the one you loved, of singing together, about hearing your tears drop onto your lap, and hearing your neighbor's tears drop onto their lap, and knowing that we all feel death. We all feel this sadness and its hard. Its just hard and thats how it is. Chris was not always the easiest man, but god, we loved him. He was too damn smart, and funny and kind, and gentle and sassy, and he tried so hard to sort through what life threw at him and it wasnt enough. Thats what really sucks. His best efforts, OUR best efforts were not enough. We cannot love him enough to bring him back.
As always, these gatherings quickly can become surreal...such a broad and mixed bag of people, trying to find the right words, to do the right thing. But goodness, what the hell do any of us know? We're all just trying to make it through the day, trying to keep it together, weighing the elements that make up a life, that made Chris.
Im leaving for Wisconsin tomorrow. As much as I could stay, I should go home. I still need and want to help my sister with wedding details, and truthfully, it affords me the luxury of some space to breathe. My life has a habit of accelerating, and I really need to anchor myself onto my own family to allow me some time to process the five days behind me now.
Many condolences, wishes of peace, thoughts of love....for Jeremy, Trish, Mike, Taylor, their families and friends. Thanks to my family, my friends, all those who showered us with help and food and rides and cleaning and emails and phone calls and kleenexes and hugs and stories and love.
